to be your mom

I find myself sad tonight, missing Vlad, longing to be his mom. It's funny how you can miss someone, love someone, ache for someone you only know in a photograph. All I know is that he is my son and he still seems so far away. There are only a few days left in October and we have yet to send our application to immigration because our homestudy has yet to be approved by DCFS. Our window of time is about to close. Not forever by any means. It would mean we couldn't submit our documents until February instead of in November. It means we couldn't travel until March instead of in December. And while this seems like only a few months, tonight it feels like an eternity.

I'm not sure why I am feeling all of this tonight. Perhaps it is because Syrus just woke up from a deep sleep with loud sad crying. After holding him and rocking him, kissing his little tousled head and singing to him, he fell back to sleep and I tucked him into his crib. These are the things I am longing to do for Vlad. I just want him here. Don't know how else to say it. But I know these feelings all too well. They are called GRIEF. I am grieving. Grieving for the three and a half years I have missed with Vlad. Grieving for the next few months I will again miss with him. I don't want to miss anymore.

I just want my son. So bad the tears pour down my face and my heart just hurts. In part because I am not the only one waiting. He is too. I don't want him to wait anymore. He has waited long enough. And believe me, I know what it is like to miss your mom and want her there more than anything. In some ways it can't be described unless you have felt it and tasted it and cried it, night after night. Both of us have been missing our moms for three and a half years. And I'm tired of it. I know what it feels like and I don't want him to feel it anymore. I want our lives together to start. I want to know him and what makes him smile and laugh. I want to be there to pick him up from preschool and take him to get new jeans for the first day. I want to watch him go down the slide with little Sy and catch the two of them at the bottom.

So, tonight I want to say to Vlad that we are coming, sweetheart. Not as soon as I had hoped. But we are coming. I promise. And I can't wait to see your face and tell you just how much you are loved and how excited I am that God picked me to be your mom. That's right, YOUR mom.