Wednesday, May 4, 2011

Better than I think

I know, I know. I'm sorry. I have been horrible at updating the blog. It's already been two weeks! Let me see what I can do to give you a taste of how life has changed in the Burick household.

To be honest, I am overwhelmed. Good overwhelmed and bad overwhelmed.

There are times when I am so relieved that Vlad is home with us and I love being a mom of two boys -- those moments where Vlad seems to be showing off because he is adjusting so well. Like when he went to the nursery on Easter Sunday with Syrus and it didn't phase him at all. Or the times he dances with Syrus when American Idol is on TV. Or when he helps me clean up after a meal by pushing in the chairs and lining up the sippy cups on the table. The moments when he snuggles with me for about an hour in the morning when he wakes up. Or when he points to me when I ask, "where is mama?" These are the moments of good overwhelmed.

Then there are days like today when I can't seem to figure out how to get him to stop crying. I take his temperature, I hold him, I change him, I get him a drink, I feed him, I try to play with him, and nothing works. There are the times when Syrus starts to cry, and pushes Vlad off of me in an effort to still be important and Vlad slides down at my feet and begins to whimper, while I try to see him over my huge belly. Or the moments when I am standing, nine months pregnant, with nothing on but a towel, and Vlad is screaming and Syrus is crying, and all I can do is cry too because I'm not sure how I'm going to get dressed and get them lunch and down for a nap before I have to be at work in an hour. Or the moments I've convinced myself I must be going into labor because why else would this be so difficult. These are the moments of bad overwhelmed.

And I wrestle with a million questions about this little boy who I don't know as well as I know Syrus. See, with Syrus, I know all the different cries -- which ones mean I am afraid or injured and which ones mean I am two years old and want my own way. I don't know those with Vlad yet. So, when Vlad cries, the questions come. Is he afraid I am going to leave him? Is he testing me to see if I'll really always be there? Has he somehow contracted an awful fatal disease in the last few minutes? Is he just being a toddler boy and trying to figure out what he can get away with? Does he hate me because I turned his life upside down? Am I just horrible at being a mom to more than one child? Did my water just break?

Ugh. I hate the questions. I want the answers. I want the key to unlock this little boy so I know why he cries when he cries. I want to know why one night he slept in his crib in the room he shares with Syrus and now he panics if I try to put him in there. I want to understand why I can leave for work with no tears from him but if I leave the room and he can still see me, he slides down the wall, sucks his thumb and whimpers. I want to know how he can possibly learn how to use sign language so quickly -- really it is amazing how fast he picks up on everything! I want to know why yesterday at the doctor, Syrus measured two inches taller than Vlad and Vlad is a year and a half older than Syrus. And the list goes on and on. So many questions. I just want the answers.

And as I sit and write this, partly feeling guilty for being honest about how there has been BOTH beauty and stress since Vlad came home, I am as usual reminded that the essence of my stress comes from my desire to know the answers to questions that I'm sure God often has about me.

Me. The one who God must constantly shake his head at and wonder why is she crying about that?
Me. The one who makes one decision one day and turns around and does the opposite thing the next day.
Me. The one who trusts God in this big moment but freaks out in that little one.

Me. Unpredictable, stressful, crying, questioning, messy me.

Hmmmm..... Maybe I know Vlad better than I think. :)


  1. Corbett-
    I am still trying to unlock so much about my little girl and we have had her for 4 years. I still feel so many of those things that you described. It gets easier and harder all at the same time. I will be praying for you. It is a great calling and a tough calling. But, God chose you for it, which means it's the right calling.
    God Bless, Patti (Faber) Hupp

  2. (((HUGS))) and a prayer for now and a more thoughtful response soon!

  3. Beautifully written. Because who really believes that life will be perfect once *any* little one comes home. We are human, after all, and God gave each of us free will...even the littlest of his children. I'll be praying for you but it sounds to me like you're off to a fabulous and loving start!

  4. This is such an honest look at your heart...God bless you, Corbett!!!

  5. Oh my! ;) Thank your for the honest glimpse into how things are going... I can imagine the ups and downs of the adjustment. Praying it will get better and better, and you'll have plenty of rest in HIm.

  6. Sounds like normal life with multiple kids. It really is a juglging act when not 9 months pregnant and hormones are controling everything, so I can only imagine what you are going through. I think all of your questions are valid but remember He has the answers and will revile them when you are ready. Right now you need to concentrate on loving the sweeties you have and preparing for the one on the way. Revel in His peace!(friend of the way excited Carlins)

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  8. I was just reading about stages of grief kids go through after being adopted... It IS a huge transition -- new place, new faces, new food, new smells, new language, new everything... I can only imagine how hard it must be. I hope and pray it will get better and better for your family with each new day.

    I struggle often with our two kids when they both want all of me at the same time. It is hard. It has made me cry before. But then, there are those moments when they hug each other and laugh together at a joke noone else understands... And it all suddenly makes perfect sense. And I am reconciled and refreshed (till the next outburst). Praying for your family!

  9. Sweetie, I have to tell you that things are going right on schedule. Of course, you are doing it with 40gazillion hormones rushing through your body at any given moment. Trust me when I tell you that it gets better. I don't know about easier, but it gets better. Vlad is grieving. He is overwhelmed, he is trying to figure things out just like you are, and yes,he is testing, and trying your patience, and the boundries. "Freedom" is new to him. Hang in there Corbett, it does get better!! I PROMISE!! Love you girlie!!

  10. No guilt for honesty. Praying for all of you in this transitional stage (and late pg stage) the hormones can't help! Hugs!

  11. I'm so glad you posted, I was worried about you. I don't think you'd be normal if you weren't a crying mess right now!! I mean you are 9 months pregnant! Hang in there! Alanna gets cranky too, and I have no idea what is going on. Maybe they are just tired of hearing all these people speaking a language they've never heard, maybe they miss the smells that were horrendous to us, but meant home to them, maybe they are overwhelmed by the love they all of a sudden are recieving, maybe they miss their old crib, maybe they miss being left alone once in a while?
    Blessed and overwhelmed, it's gotta be typical, praying for you!

  12. Oh wow, I know just what you're saying...though I wasn't 9 months pregnant when we brought Alina home (you should get a medal, or at least a very large vanilla latte for that one!). You are doing a great job, and what you are feeling is all 100%, completely normal...complete calm wouldn't be. You already know this, but you are all going through a huge transition. Some days, some hours, and some minutes will be better than others. Within any given day, you'll roll right through the spectrum. But things will settle in. Keep feeling your way. Rely on your trusted friends and family members when you need to...they'll pitch in and help to hold you up when you think you might do a face plant (or go into labor!) at any moment. Finding the energy and patience to keep things afloat can be tough for any mom, and you have some additional circumstances that add layers most of us haven't managed through. Try to go easy on yourself (expectations of yourself). Deep breaths, keep focusing on the "big", faith, and finding your way together. Sending love and hugs your way!

  13. I wish I had some words of wisdom, but I do have prayers for you!! Vlad didn't know what he was missing out on...he was content in the orphanage. Gotcha day was a monumental occassion for us, but for him...not soo much. If he knew what he was missing and could rationalize this whole process...I think there would be fewer tears. I can only imagine my son Danny who is almost 6. He knows we are his mommmy and daddy...he knows no other life. But if I tried to explain to him that some kids don't have parents and live in orphanges..the concept would be lost on him. Vlad must be so confused at why all of a sudden he is here with only 1 other boy...and this nice lady with a big belly (lol) is taking care of me. I wish I could help more....but I will certainly pray for dear sweet Vlad's adjustment. Once he figures this all out, he's going to be one happy boy all the time :)

  14. Oh, how I have missed you so. We have so much catching up to do. Love you.

  15. Oh, I'm glad I'm not the only one that feels this way! Best wishes for you, and for more and more of those good days!