SHUNNED

Vlad is sick. So we are on SHUN. We had to miss our morning visit in order to go to an office to sign some documents, and when we went to our afternoon visit, we were turned away by the nannies. SHUNNED. They said Vlad had a fever and was in bed, so we weren't allowed to see him. And we can't see him tomorrow. STILL ON SHUN. Hopefully we can see him on Thursday if he is better. UN-SHUN?

I was so disappointed. And when we got in the car. My eyes began to fill and big hot tears began to run down my face. When it comes to your son, you don't want anyone else to put you on shun. And when your son is sick, the one thing you want to do is hold him and comfort him. I was so angry. Not at the nannies. It's not their fault. That's what you do when a child is sick in an orphanage. You get him away from all the other kids so he can get better and not get anyone else sick. I was angry because there was nothing I could do. It hasn't been made official by a person in a judge's black robe that I am Vlad's mom, so I am still a nobody without any say in what he needs or wants. But, to me, in my heart, I am his mom. And the person you want when you are sick is your mom. I know. I still want my mom when I am sick. And the big hot tears roll down my face even now because she isn't here to make it all better. And that's what I want for Vlad -- I want to make it all better. Not just his being sick. But everything in his little life. I just want to make it all better.

Deep breath. Okay. A few prayer requests....

If you could pray for little Vlad who is sick, that he would get better quickly...
If you could pray that we would get a court date, so we can get the process moving...
If you could pray that we get assigned the right judge, that would grant us favor...
If you could pray that when we have court, that the judge would waive the 10 day waiting period, so Vlad can come home ASAP...

Those are things that can make it all better.

under the influence

They are already rubbing off on each other. It is pretty incredible to watch. Such a blessing to watch Vlad and Syrus influence each other and in turn influence me as their mom.

VLAD INSPIRES SYRUS
When we arrived in Vlad's country, I wouldn't have classified Syrus as a walker. He CAN walk but it hasn't been his mode of transportation. He is still a bit wobbly and prefers to walk while holding your hand than on his own. Until he met Vlad. Vlad is a walker AND a runner. Syrus has watched, mesmerized by his older brother, and suddenly, Syrus is beginning to transform into a walker. He walks to try to get to Vlad. He walks all the time now in our apartment. He walks in front of the mirror to see himself walk. Try as we have, we couldn't get Syrus to choose to walk. But Vlad could.

SYRUS TEACHES VLAD
Syrus is a communicator. He makes a lot of sounds but he also knows a number of signs. His favorite sign is "more." Big surprise. What two year old boy doesn't say "more" on a regular basis? And Syrus is especially good at signing "more" when there is food involved. We thought we would try a Grape Experiment with the two boys during one of our visits. Syrus is slightly obsessed with grapes and he will sign "more" a million times to eat as many grapes as possible. Now I'm not sure if Vlad has ever tried a grape, but I know he doesn't know American Sign Language. Until he met Syrus. Within minutes of the grapes coming out of Josh's backpack, and seeing Syrus signing "more" and getting grapes, Vlad has now mastered one sign. "More." Try as I did the day before when it was just me and Vlad, I couldn't get Vlad to understand the purpose of the sign. But Syrus could.


In a few short visits, I have seen how I cannot force their relationship. Much like how I cannot force anything else in life, try as a might. Syrus and Vlad will do this in their own way and on their own terms. But it sure hasn't taken long to see them at work in each other's lives. I mean this has been in a few short days! A good reminder to me, to step out of the way, and let it happen. I guess I need a couple of little guys with extra chromosomes to teach me the big lessons in life. Sounds just like how God would influence me.

hello, my name is dad.

I really didn't want to do it.

I had to build a stage in the chapel at Wheaton Academy. I had to refinish the basement within two months. I had to finish a massive simulation for my U.S. Military History class. I had to work on developing a new role at Wheaton Academy. I had to make sure I was creating formative and summative assessments for each one of my classes.

I had to cook dinner and pay bills for crying out loud. Yes, I am the chef of the house.

These were just some of the thoughts running through my head as my lovely wife was proposing this idea (for real this time, it seemed) to adopt a little boy named Vladislav from Eastern Europe. I did not have warm fuzzy feelings enveloping my body, taking me to a place of epiphany where angels sang from on high, "Yes, Josh! Yes! This is the way!"

I had feelings of nervousness, frustration, stress, anger, and, most of all, guilt. Guilt that this idea of adoption was not an automatic "yes" in my mind. I simply did not feel at peace about this whole thing.

I told Corbett I would pray about it.

And so I did.

Kind of.

I found myself praying those prayers that you spout off real quick as you are just pulling into work when you realize you forgot to pray that morning. The, "dearlordthankyousomuchforthisdayandmyfamilypleasegivemeagooddayandgivemeguidanceonVlad. Amen." type of prayer. An, "all talk" prayer, if you will. I was talking to God but not listening at all to what he had to say. It was like I was talking to someone while having my fingers in my ears at the same time.

After about a week, I still didn't feel at peace about the whole thing. But I realized why that nagging feeling of guilt still remained. I hadn't really prayed about it. I could technically say that I had prayed about adopting Vlad but in reality I had not. So I took a deep breath, told Corbett I was still thinking, and genuinely approached the next week with an open heart of prayer.

Then, a few nights later, I awoke to a strange glow emanating from the corner of our bedroom. As I sat up with great anticipation, an angel appeared holding a sign that said, "BURICK. ADOPT VLAD. IMMEDIATELY. I WILL FINISH THE BASEMENT."

Ok, not really...

Of course, I wish God would communicate with me that clearly on a daily basis and I was certainly hoping that was going to be the delivery method of His choice during my decision making process, but alas, it was a bit less dramatic than that. After praying and listening, praying and listening, the negative feelings I had were replaced with a sense of peace that is really hard to describe. And what is fascinating is that sense of peace has never left me. Even as I sit here in an apartment in a city whose name I still can't pronounce, the same feeling of assurance is present within my soul. It was not a dramatic answer to prayer. But it was an answer that has given me unshakable faith that this is where we are supposed to be.

Ever since that point in late August when I was enveloped by the warmth of God's calling, there has never been a point where I have felt unduly stressed by this whole process. Sure, there was a time or two (the fingerprinting incident or the possibility of a particular government changing the entire adoption process) where I felt a butterfly or two in my stomach. But in all honesty, I have sold out to the idea that God is in control and has a plan for my life and my familiy's life that is for the best. And if that is the case, what do I have to worry about? How is stress going to change things? In the week leading up to our departure to get Vlad, I had a number of people at Wheaton Academy ask me, "Are you nervous? Are you freaking out?" I honestly answered, time and time again, "Not really..." I am not in control...God is. And that is a very, very good thing.

Pretty sweet. And pretty sweet that I have two boys that love the iPad as much as I do...

that cell phone

We are starting to settle into a bit of a routine here in our new apartment, and getting a feel for where things are in the city. Josh and I visited with Vlad in the morning and, man, was he a ball of energy! Josh spent most of the morning chasing him and Vlad would just laugh as soon as Josh would scoop him up. Vlad would start to run and kept checking over his shoulder to see if Josh was following him. Very sweet. Soon he was tired out and sat on my lap to play with Syrus's toy cell phone. Yes, even a little boy who has spent his whole life in an orphanage knows what a cell phone is and how it works.

In the afternoon, Nancy and Syrus came with us to spend time with Vlad. It is fascinating to watch the boys together. For all their similarities, they are quite different in how they react to each other. Vlad spends his entire day with about a dozen other kids. So, I think it is a welcome relief for him when he hangs out with us -- it is quiet and there is no competition for toys or attention. As a result, he likes to play with us or play independently. He is constantly collecting the toys we bring and taking them into the little plastic house in the visiting room. It's as though he is guarding his belongings even if they are only his for the time we are there. Syrus, on the other hand, doesn't spend much time with people his size or age. So, to him, Vlad is a fascinating mystery. He is constantly giving his toys to Vlad and following him to try and play with him. He isn't possessive of his toys because he has so many and can play with them whenever he wants to.

And then there are the differences in communication. Syrus is a chatterbox because we celebrate anytime he communicates. And he is given choices throughout his day, from what he wants to eat to what he wants to play with to what Sesame song he wants to watch on YouTube. Syrus knows his opinion matters so he is always sharing it. Vlad, on the other hand, has his day dictated for him. He is told what to eat and when and is given toys to play with or activities to do at certain times. Vlad's opinion is not asked so he does not voice it. So, the only sounds we hear are his laughter but not much else in terms of communication.

It's just interesting to watch. Two boys with the same diagnosis but very different starts in life are now trying to navigate what it means to be brothers. It will take some time and trust from all of us. And little seeds begin to grow each day as they spend time together. Little moments like when they take turns playing with a toy that Josh puts between them. Or when Josh holds both of them and Syrus attempts a group hug that makes Vlad smile. In time. All in time. For now, they share a common love of that cell phone and for me, that's a good start.

we love our boys

We are BAAAACK!!!! Online that is! The last few days have been an exhausting and emotional ride for sure. Allow me to get us all on the same page.

TUESDAY

Rather uneventful, we spent the day relaxing and picked up our permission from the SDA to visit Vlad's orphanage. We packed up and headed to the overnight train. It seemed fun at first. The four of us were packed into this teeny sleeper compartment. Even Syrus was up for it. However, once the train was in motion I discovered how LOUD it is. Sleeping, at least for me, was quickly not an option. It was simply too noisy and I was too excited to meet Vlad anyway. And I have to admit, I got pretty emotional. I was laying there, trying to sleep, and I started to reflect on everything that brought me to that point. Here I was, 7 months pregnant, riding in a sleeper car across a country in eastern Europe to adopt a little boy with Down syndrome. Sounds crazy, right? Only God could match me up with a little boy named Vlad and know that I am supposed to be his mom. And I was going to meet him the next day. I looked back over my life -- how my dad was adopted, how my mom always pushed me to champion the cause of the least, how I had worked with people with Down syndrome all through college, how my life has been all over the place the last number of years with losing both my parents, a miscarriage, and our first child born with Down syndrome -- I could go on and on. And it all seemed like these key moments and facts about my life were all leading up to this moment on this train ride to meet a little boy God knew was my son.

WEDNESDAY

Needless to say, I got NO sleep on the train. We arrived in Vlad's region and were met by this beautiful ray of sunshine, our facilitator, Marina. She whisked us into a car and took us to a place to stay for the night -- she kept saying this would not be our apartment, this would just be where we would stay for tonight. When we got there, I could see why. The location was rough and the apartment, well.... I climbed 12 flights of stairs, carrying Syrus, while Josh and Nancy carried all the luggage. We quickly got changed to hurry off to the orphanage, and I kept praying that Nancy and Syrus would be able to at least relax while we were gone even though the place was not ideal.

We went to the social worker's office and Marina told us that you never knew what questions she would ask or how long the meeting would be. We went into her office and sat down. She asked how I thought I would be able to raise a child with significant needs when I already have a child with Down syndrome and I have another on the way. So, to answer, I pulled out the photobook I made for Vlad with pictures of his new family. Well, that did it. She went CRAZY for the photobook -- how professional it looked, how it took her back to her childhood because I had put a photo with a caption like "my brother" or "my dad" under each photo. She evidently did a project called "my family" in first grade. And I entitled Vlad's photobook "my family." She asked if she could KEEP IT for a few days so she could look at it again and again! So sweet. She signed off on some paperwork and that was it! Marina kept giggling in the car. She said she had never seen the social worker have that reaction before. It was definitely good.

We got to the orphanage by driving through a bleak and downtrodden residential area. As we walked in, I was impressed from the start -- the place was very clean and quite sweet with pictures of children on the walls and lots of rooms and nannies. First, we met with the orphanage doctor who gave us a rundown of Vlad's medical history since he was born. Nothing surprising or unusual. Although again I was impressed by how many tests and vaccinations he has had -- they have really taken excellent care of him. Then a knock on the door and Marina said, "the child is here." And in Vlad came. He looked a little nervous or scared because the room was tiny and there were a bunch of adults. I took his little hand and he looked up at me with these big brown eyes. He walked over and sat on my lap. It was so sweet. Josh took out a little toy truck we brought him and I rolled it up his little leg to his tummy and there it was -- a smile. He took the truck and then threw it to the ground and started to giggle. We only spent about fifteen minutes with him and Marina asked if we were ready to begin the process, meaning did we want to adopt him. Josh said yes before I could even start to say yes. It was a perfect moment. We walked him up to his group's room (all the kids are in age groups and spend their day with their group). We opened the door and a bunch of little heads peered around the corner and started crying out, "mama" and "dada." So sweet. So many faces. Vlad went running into the room and did a victory lap as though it was FINALLY his turn, his turn for a "mama" and a "dada" and came back to the door. I knelt down to say goodbye and he threw his arms around me. The first official hug. :)

Then we were off to the notary's office to sign a bunch of paperwork to officially start the process and request a court date. We were there for over two hours. I was hitting a wall. I was exhausted and the morning had been a whirlwind. When we finally got back to the apartment, Syrus and Nancy were just waking up. I had some grapes, a granola bar, and laid down for about an hour. Then, back up to go to visit Vlad again -- this time with Nancy and Syrus.

You get a real feel for Vlad's size when you see him play with Syrus. They are about the same height -- Vlad is maybe a little bit taller. But when they are sitting next to each other, Syrus just seems bigger because he is more filled out. And Syrus just seems like the older brother somehow. He kept offering his toys to Vlad and was great about sharing us with him too. He would watch Vlad and laugh. It was really sweet. I, of course, started crying like a baby. Vlad is so tiny and he is almost two years older than Syrus. And Syrus seems older than him in part because he has been loved and has a different level of confidence about him than Vlad has. It made me weep a bit for all Vlad has missed by not having parents celebrate him and love him and cherish each wonderful new thing he has done. And it was also hard to watch Syrus at times. He was totally happy and having a great time, but I got all weird and started having "mom" guilt, wondering if Syrus was feeling confused or replaced. Totally my issue. Not Syrus's at all. The sweetest thing the two of them did, was go into this little plastic house they have in the visiting room. It has a door and little windows with shutters. The two of them were inside and kept opening and closing the shutters together with their two little faces both in the same window together. Brothers. Together for the first time.

We left and I climbed the 12 flights of stairs again and I just physically hit a wall. Everything started to ache. I got in and started to sob. Partly because I was physically exhausted. Partly because I was emotionally spent from meeting Vlad. Partly because the apartment we were staying in just seemed to be a symbol of the kind of life Vlad would have if God didn't have a crazy cool plan for him and for us. It was just rough. And I was afraid. Afraid of what we were getting into by adopting Vlad. Afraid of how I was going to be a mother of three boys. Afraid of what would happen to Vlad if we weren't here to adopt him. Just afraid. And it was okay to be afraid. Because then we sat together and ate pizza in our dumpy apartment and talked it all out. And we remembered that God has this all figured out. He has from the beginning. That's been made obvious time and time again. And I was able to breathe in and out and go to sleep, remembering again who was in charge and thus able to rest.

THURSDAY

We slept in! I woke up and my amazing amazing AMAZING husband had found a place to get me a vanilla latte. Haha! Ah, the little things. We packed up and moved. Now, Marina had told us a number of times that we were only staying in that place for one night till our permanent apartment was available. I had NO IDEA what this new apartment was like. Seriously, Marina is amazing! It is a swanky urban apartment right downtown with everything we could possibly need within walking distance. It is clean and honestly feels almost TOO nice! We went from one extreme to the next. Today I have felt like we are ready for anything. Honestly, we have slept, we have eaten, we are in a beautiful apartment, AND we have a darling new son who we spent the afternoon with -- life couldn't be sweeter.

Josh and I went to visit Vlad again today. We went to his group's room and all the heads peeked out again yelling "mama" and "dada" and around the corner came Vlad. He LOVES to be held. He sat on my lap for about 45 minutes wanting to be tickled and held -- he is such a delight. Such a sweet and tender spirit about him. And he LOVES for Josh to chase him and pick him up. He just laughs and laughs. We played with him for two hours and the time flew by.

And tonight, my sweet husband made some delicious chicken stir fry dish and we all hung out and unpacked and relaxed. Well, folks, if you made it to the end of this post which I KNOW was long, then know that life is good. We love our apartment. We love this city. We love Marina. We love the orphanage. And we love our boys.

Oh, and of course, a couple of photos. More to come. :)

i know my son

Our SDA appointment was this morning. It was in a really beautiful part of town where all the photos of ornate churches and golden domed buildings are usually taken. The meeting was very brief. We met with a woman from the SDA and Serge, our facilitator. He is spectacular. Very sweet but someone you don't mess with. I love that. The woman had Vlad's file and in it wasn't much. A tiny tiny bit about his parents and that was it. There was a photo of him in there that I have never seen. Probably taken within the last year. An absolutely adorable photo of him playing at a table. He looks so sweet and so much like Syrus. Serge gave it to me to keep. The one snag we ran into at our appointment is a paperwork issue that could set us back a few days. It won't prolong our stay here in the capital or delay us meeting Vlad. It is an issue that will need to get worked out in the city where he was born. Ugh. Serge didn't seem to feel that it should be a problem. And he DEFINITELY knows what he is doing so I am going to rest in that.

We spent the rest of the day hanging out and making travel arrangements. We are taking the overnight train tomorrow night to the region where the orphanage is. And by overnight, I mean very "murder on the Orient Express" kind of overnight. We get on a train at 11pm and sleep in a private compartment, arriving in the region at 7am. Yikes! Last time I was on an overnight train was when my senior class went to Lost Valley Ranch in Colorado for senior trip. (Shout out to WCHS class of '94!!) Should be an adventure, but worth it because we will meet Vlad for the first time on Wednesday morning.

Tonight we had pizza at this awesome place in the city. All you RR people who are coming through, you HAVE to go to this place. It is tiny and right across the street from TGI Fridays. The pizza was SO good -- just like you can get on the east coast. I would eat there every night if we were staying here longer! Seriously, check it out.

So, having watched the video of Vlad dancing again, I kept getting the feeling that it wasn't him. Maybe that's why I hesitated to share it on the blog. I had the same feeling when I watched it the first time. I'm not sure why. It just didn't seem right. Maybe his size or his hair color or something. I sent it to a friend who met Vlad in the fall and she also said she's pretty sure it isn't him. Josh said the same thing.

And though I was really excited about the video yesterday, I'm not in the least bit disappointed today to figure out that it isn't Vlad. First, the fact that it isn't Vlad means that the boy in the video IS a little guy that is being adopted by my dear friend who just got her travel date! Woohoo!! (Shout out to Texas!!) And second, the fact that it isn't Vlad means I KNOW HIM. I knew somewhere inside me that the little boy in the video wasn't my son. And to feel like I know Vlad, at this stage of the game, is more priceless to me, than any adorable video footage. Pretty sweet, huh? I know my son. Now I just have to meet him.

hands full

We are here! Have been since last night. The first flight was long -- we made a mad dash to make it to the second flight just in time. Syrus was a trooper on both flights. He slept and was entertained and it really couldn't have been better. Our suitcases all arrived -- it was all good.

Niko was there to meet us at the airport. He is awesome. We packed into his little car and off we went. We had one kind of shady moment where he pulled over and said, (imagine in a cool Eastern European accent) I need to have a cigarette and see a guy." He got out and stood on a busy street and sure enough "a guy" showed up. They talked for a few minutes and Niko got back in the car. Very "Bourne Identity" if you ask me. Although all he was doing was picking up the keys to our apartment. But at the moment we felt very cool.

Our apartment is really nice -- it is up a number of flights of stairs. I lose count at about seven. But it is clean and bright and spacious. We have all the things you could want -- hot water, amazing water pressure, beds for all, even a washing machine. It is great. Syrus has enjoyed investigating it for sure.

Josh and Nancy have been to the grocery store a few times -- the chocolate is wonderful and so is the fruit. Seriously, the grapes are the size of small apricots. Syrus is in heaven! For those of you who don't know, Syrus could live on grapes and cheerios if his diet was up to him.

We went out for dinner tonight which was great -- the walk was fantastic and so great to hear the language and watch all the women in their skinny jeans and stiletto-heeled boots. Tonight we hung out and watched some Seinfeld. Good times.

Tomorrow is our big SDA appointment. This is an official meeting where we find out any information about Vlad's family and his birth. And then we officially accept his referral and wait to receive the document that gives us permission to meet him at the orphanage. That document should be ready on Tuesday afternoon and then we should head out to his region. So, we are only here for another day and a half.

I can't believe we will meet Vlad on Wednesday. A friend who is adopting from the same orphanage has been there since Friday. She sent me a video of Vlad and the little guy they are adopting. It is the best thing ever because Vlad is dancing in it! And he is full of smiles -- laughing and yelling and so happy. And since all I've ever seen of him is seriousness, this was such a great sneak preview of our son before meeting him. She said that he is smiley and always coming over to talk to her. Have I mentioned how excited we are to meet Vlad? Haha! Well this video only made us more so. Although, it also crossed my mind that between Vlad and Syrus, I am really going to have my hands full. I'd say that's a good thing, wouldn't you? :)